I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
