This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
