I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Ladies don't puke and tell
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
