Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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