So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
