before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
