all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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