Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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