soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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