I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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