those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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