To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
