Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
