I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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