I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
