my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
