lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
