how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
