There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
