I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
