WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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