I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
