FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
