The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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