Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
