Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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