No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
