turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
