OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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