Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
