I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
