my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
