So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
