how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
