i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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