The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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