i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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