There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
