at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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