cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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