Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
