When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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