i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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