No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
