OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
