somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
