I could make wine with my vomit
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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