I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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