remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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