I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
